Since i've made my return to school on the very first day it started i've been regretful. I wish i would have stayed home with Zion. He needs me right now but all this hard work trying to get out of high school is all for him i would have been satisfied with a GED honestly speaking. I haven't had enough sleep in a while and its killing me. I feel like i'm going to crash. Zion stays with his dad while i go to school and I love that, i rather him be their then some daycare with snotty nose kids getting sick. I miss him so much while im here and can't wait to hold him and kiss all over him. I hate school its so boring and i have to isolate my self to stay focus. Besides i'm not the same girl i was before Zion i don't have the same interest as my friends anymore when they have their normal teenage conversations i become bored with the gossip and etc. All i can think about or want to talk about is my son and his wonderful father and that bores them. I wish i had friends who were in my situation, friends i could have more in common with. I'm living the typical teenage mom lifestyle its either two ways, the bad outcome were you drop out of school your baby father isn't around you have no support etc. or you continue your education let your baby be your motivation marry your childs father or you guys stick it out together and you have support from your family and his and everythings perfect. I'm fortunate to have had a positive outcome for this although its still to early to brag and throw it and everyone face that i haven't given up on my education and my baby father is still around doing everything he can we are on the right path and thats whats important. Enough of that though Zion is a month and three days and he's an incredible infant like he's really amazing. He brightens everyones day he's been a huge blessing to our families I can't even say i regret having him now, i mean yeah it would have been easier if i waited i'd have my own house and be finacially stable for the next one but i'm glad he's here now. I needed him in my life to grow up to change he pushes me to want more out of life. I can't wait until he can hug me back, kiss me back, talk back to me, play with me and so much more life with him is amazing and i pray to god i'd never have to expirence life with out him, unless my time on this earth is done.

AUGUST 19, 2011

Zion Macaulay ( The love of my life )

on august 18th after a 12 hour ride to virgina and back i finally lay in my bed to relax im having major pains, so i just try to sleep but little do i know i wont be sleeping for a while! About 30 mins later i feel a gush of liquid, it wasn't alot but i quickly assumed my water had broken. i run to my sisters room everyone begins to scream and i begin to cry. " OMG STOP WHAT DO I DO " i scream. " IDK IM GOING TO GET YOUR MOTHER " my sister says! " NO, NO, NO I DON'T WANT HER TO PANIC " i say. No one listened here comes my mom. " DID YOUR WATER BREAK? I TOLD YOU NOT TO RIDE DOWN WITH US TO VIRGINA NOW LOOK WHAT HAS HAPPENED, GET DRESS WERE GOING TO THE HOSPITAL " i beg and pleaded against that idea i was way to scared of what the doctor may have to tell me, but theirs no going against your mother at a time like this we headed over to st. vincents i spent most of my preganancy their being a nervous wreck over everything. I waited and waited, finally i was seen they checked me checked Zion and hooked me up to the heart thingy ( i forgot what its called ) but it basically keeps track of your contractions and the babies heart rate. It turned out i was having contractions and my mucus plug had began to come down. Nothing major they said, so i was sent home PISSED the contractions began to get more painful i got home at 2am after wasting two hours in the hospital i decided to take a nice hot shower hoping that would make my contractions go away, but of course not. I couldn't even dress my self i was in sooo much pain i spent almost 5 hours laying on the floor with no clothes in pain i was back in fourth to the bathroom it was the worst most painful expirence in my life! my mom dressed me and helped me to the car i could barely walk so back to the hospital i was this time my contractions was between 3 and 5 mins apart my parents knew this was the real deal and called my baby's father right away! On our way to the hospital we picked him up he was a nervous wreck asking me a million questions pissing me off! He tried to embrace me kiss me and rub my back but i yelled " LEAVE ME ALONE BEFORE I KILL YOU " i was sooooooo mean to him that day, and i feel terrible now about it. When we arrived at the hospital my boyfriend began running around looking for a wheelchair he brung it over i didn't want to get in even though i could barely walk but i did because my mom told me to stop being so mean he was so nervous and scared he crashed me in to EVERY single wall, we got to the hospital at 730 am my doctor wasn't on call i was yet again PISSED but i knew this dr. and he was very sweet, he examined me and said well you won't be going home today your almost 5 centimeters, are you ready he said. " NO THIS IS THE WORST PAIN EVER GIVE ME THE EPIDURAL NOW!!!! " lol i got an iv and was sent to the delievery room were i would be given the epidural when it kicked in it was AMAZING i didnt feel any more contractions and i was able to finally sleep! My boyfriend and my mom was in the room with me they were exhausted when i woke up toby's ( my boyfriend ) sisters were in the room with ballons and a teddy bear for Zion. They were extremly excited and so was i now that i didn't feel any pain and was able to sleep we talked shared jokes and had some well needed laughs it helped me and toby and my mom to calm down. While we were enjoying their company my wanter broke i didnt really feel it because i was so numb it just felt as something popped i started feeling around and i felt the liquid ( i know YUCK ) i told everyone my water broke they began screaming i was still shocked that i was about to give bitrth it really hadn't fully sunk in that Zion was finally about to be here after 9 long months. Toby went to go let the doctors know but i hadn't reached 10 centimeters and toby's sisters were kicked out the room i was sad, but toby my mom and i went back to sleep the epidural began to ware off and i felt contractions it wasn't so bad because it hadn't fully worn off. I got another epidural this was my THIRD one! I LOVE EPIDURALS!  About an hour later i was 10 centimeters and ready to push. The epidural was still so strong i didn't even feel myself pushing i had my two coaches toby and my mom helping me toby was right by my side holding my leg making me feel good, the doctor kept telling me im doing great i didn't exactly know how i was so numb i didn't feel like i did a thing! but him and toby kept saying boy he has a lot of hair i told the doctor i didn't feel myself pushing they turned the epidural down but i was still numb, but i continued to do what i was told and Zion was here after less then 20 mins of pushing. The doctor told me it may take hours of pushing i'm glad it didn't i would have left that bed still pregnant! Toby and my moms faces were filled with tears i just kept saying " IS THAT MY BABY? LIKE REALLY MINE? DO I GET TO KEEP HIM? OMG THATS MY BABY? " lol i was in disbelief i was truly shocked but indeed he was mine toby cut his cord with so much joy and my mom was happier then ever despite the situation. Delievring the placenta hurt  more then actually giving birth. After that i had to get a billion stiches which took 40 mins. I was so happy when i got to hold my child i was mad his father held him first but it was a beautiful moment. Zion Rashid Macaulay was born August 19 2011 at 4:35 pm he was 8lbs 12oz and 20 1/2 inches. After it was all over Zion went off to the nursery while mommy went in to recovery, Toby and his family and our friend went with Zion and my mom went with me. The epidural was fully worn off and i began to feel the pain I was heavily bleeding light headed and woozy they brought me hospital food, ( YUCK ) i hadn't eaten all day i went in to recovery at 6 and left at 8, our family stayed with us for a bit and then they left so i could get some sleep, i was in so much pain and so weak i barely got any sleep.  I didn't see Zion until 12am when it was time to breastfeed he was soooooo beautiful and so perfect i instantly feel in love, that feeling was soo amazing and so indescribable. I knew from this day on the world wouldn't revolve around me anymore, its all about this innocent beautiful baby. He would always come before me and i was absolutely fine with that. August 19 2011 was and forever will be the best day of my life.

Its My Month!!!! =D

Sitting here in credit recovery for geometry :( it sucks really bad, I'm super tired and I have to sit here for another hour, but its august 2nd and that means Zion will be here this month ! :) yippie yayyy! Every is so excited, and all I keep thinking don't you dare show up in summer school! lol My mom fount him day care so i'd be able to come back to school without stressing who will watch Zion. I hate the idea of me being in school and him being with strangers. It sucks really bad! but I have to do what's best and that's getting this high school diploma. Okay that's all for today I'm going to try and take a nap in class I have a headache :(

Updates :)

Okay so it's been a while since my last post so I guess it'll be nice to give you guys an update, Well I'm enrolled in credit recovery for summer school. I finished one class I have one more to go unfortunately but I've been doing well here. On Tuesdays two nurses from Staten Island hospital host a meeting for young pregnant girls and teenage moms. It's been wonderful talking with these women and the other girls who've came. My thing is to get as many sources as possible for help throughout my pregnancy and to help me become a parent. I had a wonderful baby shower on Sunday and  received lots of things I needed. I brought a big box of pampers and a big box of wipes on Monday  and brought my stroller today, Now all I need is my prince. Zion is currently 6 pounds 13 oz and I'm also pretty big myself weighing in at 193 pounds i know that's a lot! but hey i have a huge son and he has a huge dad and I'm all stomach so it shouldn't be so bad getting rid of this baby fat.Lets not talk about these brand new stretch marks I'm sporting! Other then me being fat, stretch marks and the whole pregnant in the summer thing. Everything's PERFECT, my baby's father started work last weekend Zion is healthy and has everything he needs, everyone's supporting us 100% life couldn't get any better, well one thing that will make things perfect is Zion entering this world!

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Home with the family parents & sisters just came back from virgina so hanging with my #1 mommy Zion's Grandma :) and the little brother watching law and order how boring is this! Although I love them very much I'd rather be out enjoying life with my big sis & friends , but guess what .. . I'm PREGNANT! That's right big belly & miserable I am , everyone's saying how I'm ruining their summer plans and how unhappy they are that I'm pregnant, but hey I've been hearing this from day one what can I possibly do now. Its annoying to hear a bunch of negative things when your happy about your little blessing, although I know the situation shouldn't be right now at this time of my life, I am 8 months now so its not going away! I'm going to have to deal with the I wish you never had him for the rest of my life but I feel in my heart that Zion is worth everything that I've endured, he's my blessing and I love him. I just can't wait until he gets to love me back! I'm an emotional wreck over this, I just wish I had a friend through this all.

A Trip To The Docotors .. .

So now that i'm futher into this pregnancy me and my doctor see a lot of each other. Now I see him every two weeks soon it'll be every week. Going to the doctor is fun for me because i get to see my little angel grow. He is getting  bigger each week it's amazing how fast hes growing. My appointment was Thursday June 9th , it was 103 degrees that day and I had to do a lot of running around for Prince Zion. My mom didn't want me out their in that weather but I feel as if I have to do what I have to do no matter what. So she put me in a cab and gave me money for food and lots of water. One thing about my mom is she'll be their by my side no matter what I truly feel I have the best mother in the world. She does everything for anybody, but she makes sure me and my siblings have everything before she worries about herself. One thing for sure is were never broke we always have some type of money in our pockets. I hope I'm just like her when I'm a parent. Back to my appointment, Prince Zion is now 3 pounds 6 oz and hes really big and soooo adorable! He looks just like his mommy and his uncle ( my brother ) but he has his dad's head :( I'm worried on how it's going to come out. It's almost over and day and night i'm feeling it so yes this will be my first and last child. I don't know how woman can do it more then once, I haven't even had him yet but I can't be pregnant another time I hate it forreal! I'm sure my prince will be worth it all though.

Im truly too fat for this!!

So today is like a billion degrees and tomorrow is suppose to be hotter!!!! W T F ! It's not funn at all walking around with this big old belly in this heat! imagine with the rest of my summer will be like -___- i have summer school it begins in july and i'm due in august im soo worried about having the baby before I finish summer school. So through this heat I will be making weekly trips to the doctor and going to school it's not going to be easy but it has to be done

MY BABY SHOWER IS NEXT MONTH!!!!

July 24th is the day and i'm super excited , just because toby and I families will be their also some friends and I know that it will be fun and i'll get more stuff for Prince Zion :) So far I have the dj and a place , I need a chair , decorations , a cake ( yuuuum ] and food i'm searching hard for the perfect cake it has to be delicious since i'm huge and LOVE cake! Our family is making food and were going to buy food that's already made. I'm going to have a whiney the pooh theme although toby says " that's gay " he has such an ignorant boy brain! hopefully Zion doesn't have his brain! Anyway I'm super excited for this shower I hope it goes according. :)

This Life Isn't Fear!!!

okay soo i'm nearly 8 months pregnant and i can't do a thing!!! No parties of course , no one wants to hang out with a pregnant girl so only thing for me to do is school, hang with my boyfriend, parenting class on Saturday and church on Sunday. Once in a while my family will take me somewhere or i'll go somewhere with toby's family, but my life has become so BORING :(. Toby sneaks out to a party once in a while or go chill with his friends and even though its not often it pisses me off! I'm stuck and he's free how's that fear we did this together and i'm the only one suffering. I mean I know staying in the house with me seven days a week isn't always fun but hey I'M DOING IT!! I just hate this sometimes and I always say why this , why now! i'll be 18 years old while Zion will be two months. What 18 year old wants to be tied down with a child! Not one, but i've done this to myself and I will take full responsibility no matter how tough it gets. I'm just sad at the moment because of the effect it has on me and how it changed my life so far, but i'm deeply in love with my unborn!

Ups & Downs .. .

As a teenager it's normal to have family feuds and boyfriend issues , and I'm a very emotional dramatic teen age girl! I consider myself normal but if you was to speak to my parents or boyfriend they'd tell you something totally different. Although I
Am an extremely sweet caring respectable ( at times ) young lady if things aren't my way I will become another person. My family always say I have two different personalities and their right I do. It's not my fault though I can't help who I've become , but I'm not that bad but I do hope Zion isn't like his mother I hope he's opposite of his parents. I think all parents wish their kids to be different and better then they were, but we as individuals will be who we are and do what we want no matter what. I will try my hardest to raise him to be better but In all reailty he'll be who he'll be regurdless. Now a days I think I wish I would have waited I'm going to miss my youth alot !!!! I'm also wondering what will my future hold , like will I be happier as I think I would be with Zion or resentful , I love him to death but now that I'm pregnant I know waiting was the better choice. Would I have gotten an abortion? Not in a million years but I would have protected myself. I tell every teenage girl that wants a baby to wait!! Or be prepared for a dramatic life changing experience !

The Emotions Of a teenage mom .. .

Being 17 and pregnant is everything but easy . The baby isn't even here yet and i'm already going crazy. My room is being renovated for Zion and I have to do so much! It's already becoming a burden. Everyone feels i'm stressing for no reason but they don't even know how i'm feeling or what i'm going through, but i knew this wouldn't be easy at all , I mean financially Zion is covered so that's least of my worries. I am however worried about school , stupid family arguments , my perfect relationship becoming wrecked and a million other things. In all reality i'm people only see that i'm a very lucky girl with two great parents but its so much more that stresses me out it's crazy, but I will be find in the end because my beautiful son will be here.

The summer is coming .. .

Summer is so close , and through this heat i will be pregnant! -__- Im not happy about that at all , and being that i'm still a teenager i do think about all the things i won't be able to do this summer , such as partying , beach with friends , hanging out and all. When I made the descion to keep Zion this thought did occur in my head but the last thing on my mind was killing my unborn child. I feel im going to be miserable this summer , but I will make the best of it because towards the end my little angel will be here , I wonder how me and my boyfriends relationship will be this summer we were attached at the hip and at the time he lived right around the corner so every min of the day we were together. Now this summer I have summer school and he has to work all while preparing for Zion's arrival , it's going to be hard growing ten times faster then we would have if their was no Zion , i'm never going to regret my descion i just wish i thought more about it .. .

.. .

Every since i've become pregnant I gained a super power .. . its a STRONG sense of smell , im not kidding its like my nose can smell a McDonald's 5 miles away! Everything i smell i want that's the main thing i hate about this. Then when im hungry Zion can't stay still he'll go bananas until I eat something , this morning i had a nice turkey sandwich on wheat bread it was delicious , but once again im hungry!! OH and another thing everybody always wants to feed me because im pregnant! :) i love that part. I try not to eat so much though because im worried that Zion will get to big too fast , hes already 2 pounds 6oz but his father is 6'5 two hundred and something pounds so i can't avoid having a big baby. I remember when i was 5 months Zion was already a pound i was freaking out , but my mom put some logic sense in my head .. . So im content with the fact im going to have a big child! So I will make sure he plays sports early , who knows I might have me a football or basketball player in their. Whatever he decides he wants to be though im backing him 100% :)

When Zion Moves .. .

So im sitting here while my wonderful boyfriend plays his ps3 and my baby boy is moving away , im almost 7 months pregnant and everythings becoming more exciting as well as weird. Zion is growing and so am I so he moves way more then he did a couple months back. Sometimes I be like alright already Zion , but most of the time I enjoy seeing him move around in my belly or kick and all. It still fascimates me how wonderful life is created ; their's really a human being living inside of me. Everything I do affects him , everything I taste so does he!! I love my unborn soooo much :)

What a Morning

So this morning around 2am - 4 ish I experienced some of the worst pain in my life i just knew I was having the baby right their in my bed it hurt so bad i couldn't even call for help so i layed their moaning and groaning couldn't even cry.  After an hour or more of the excruciating  pain It finally calmed down i was delighted because he wasn't ready to come at all. Then i had to get ready for school that was the worst i was a bit nausea but i manged to get in to school on time i rather be sick in school then sick in the bed hearing my mom nag about I better not drop out of school & blah .. blah .. blahh ..