Since i've made my return to school on the very first day it started i've been regretful. I wish i would have stayed home with Zion. He needs me right now but all this hard work trying to get out of high school is all for him i would have been satisfied with a GED honestly speaking. I haven't had enough sleep in a while and its killing me. I feel like i'm going to crash. Zion stays with his dad while i go to school and I love that, i rather him be their then some daycare with snotty nose kids getting sick. I miss him so much while im here and can't wait to hold him and kiss all over him. I hate school its so boring and i have to isolate my self to stay focus. Besides i'm not the same girl i was before Zion i don't have the same interest as my friends anymore when they have their normal teenage conversations i become bored with the gossip and etc. All i can think about or want to talk about is my son and his wonderful father and that bores them. I wish i had friends who were in my situation, friends i could have more in common with. I'm living the typical teenage mom lifestyle its either two ways, the bad outcome were you drop out of school your baby father isn't around you have no support etc. or you continue your education let your baby be your motivation marry your childs father or you guys stick it out together and you have support from your family and his and everythings perfect. I'm fortunate to have had a positive outcome for this although its still to early to brag and throw it and everyone face that i haven't given up on my education and my baby father is still around doing everything he can we are on the right path and thats whats important. Enough of that though Zion is a month and three days and he's an incredible infant like he's really amazing. He brightens everyones day he's been a huge blessing to our families I can't even say i regret having him now, i mean yeah it would have been easier if i waited i'd have my own house and be finacially stable for the next one but i'm glad he's here now. I needed him in my life to grow up to change he pushes me to want more out of life. I can't wait until he can hug me back, kiss me back, talk back to me, play with me and so much more life with him is amazing and i pray to god i'd never have to expirence life with out him, unless my time on this earth is done.

AUGUST 19, 2011

Zion Macaulay ( The love of my life )

on august 18th after a 12 hour ride to virgina and back i finally lay in my bed to relax im having major pains, so i just try to sleep but little do i know i wont be sleeping for a while! About 30 mins later i feel a gush of liquid, it wasn't alot but i quickly assumed my water had broken. i run to my sisters room everyone begins to scream and i begin to cry. " OMG STOP WHAT DO I DO " i scream. " IDK IM GOING TO GET YOUR MOTHER " my sister says! " NO, NO, NO I DON'T WANT HER TO PANIC " i say. No one listened here comes my mom. " DID YOUR WATER BREAK? I TOLD YOU NOT TO RIDE DOWN WITH US TO VIRGINA NOW LOOK WHAT HAS HAPPENED, GET DRESS WERE GOING TO THE HOSPITAL " i beg and pleaded against that idea i was way to scared of what the doctor may have to tell me, but theirs no going against your mother at a time like this we headed over to st. vincents i spent most of my preganancy their being a nervous wreck over everything. I waited and waited, finally i was seen they checked me checked Zion and hooked me up to the heart thingy ( i forgot what its called ) but it basically keeps track of your contractions and the babies heart rate. It turned out i was having contractions and my mucus plug had began to come down. Nothing major they said, so i was sent home PISSED the contractions began to get more painful i got home at 2am after wasting two hours in the hospital i decided to take a nice hot shower hoping that would make my contractions go away, but of course not. I couldn't even dress my self i was in sooo much pain i spent almost 5 hours laying on the floor with no clothes in pain i was back in fourth to the bathroom it was the worst most painful expirence in my life! my mom dressed me and helped me to the car i could barely walk so back to the hospital i was this time my contractions was between 3 and 5 mins apart my parents knew this was the real deal and called my baby's father right away! On our way to the hospital we picked him up he was a nervous wreck asking me a million questions pissing me off! He tried to embrace me kiss me and rub my back but i yelled " LEAVE ME ALONE BEFORE I KILL YOU " i was sooooooo mean to him that day, and i feel terrible now about it. When we arrived at the hospital my boyfriend began running around looking for a wheelchair he brung it over i didn't want to get in even though i could barely walk but i did because my mom told me to stop being so mean he was so nervous and scared he crashed me in to EVERY single wall, we got to the hospital at 730 am my doctor wasn't on call i was yet again PISSED but i knew this dr. and he was very sweet, he examined me and said well you won't be going home today your almost 5 centimeters, are you ready he said. " NO THIS IS THE WORST PAIN EVER GIVE ME THE EPIDURAL NOW!!!! " lol i got an iv and was sent to the delievery room were i would be given the epidural when it kicked in it was AMAZING i didnt feel any more contractions and i was able to finally sleep! My boyfriend and my mom was in the room with me they were exhausted when i woke up toby's ( my boyfriend ) sisters were in the room with ballons and a teddy bear for Zion. They were extremly excited and so was i now that i didn't feel any pain and was able to sleep we talked shared jokes and had some well needed laughs it helped me and toby and my mom to calm down. While we were enjoying their company my wanter broke i didnt really feel it because i was so numb it just felt as something popped i started feeling around and i felt the liquid ( i know YUCK ) i told everyone my water broke they began screaming i was still shocked that i was about to give bitrth it really hadn't fully sunk in that Zion was finally about to be here after 9 long months. Toby went to go let the doctors know but i hadn't reached 10 centimeters and toby's sisters were kicked out the room i was sad, but toby my mom and i went back to sleep the epidural began to ware off and i felt contractions it wasn't so bad because it hadn't fully worn off. I got another epidural this was my THIRD one! I LOVE EPIDURALS!  About an hour later i was 10 centimeters and ready to push. The epidural was still so strong i didn't even feel myself pushing i had my two coaches toby and my mom helping me toby was right by my side holding my leg making me feel good, the doctor kept telling me im doing great i didn't exactly know how i was so numb i didn't feel like i did a thing! but him and toby kept saying boy he has a lot of hair i told the doctor i didn't feel myself pushing they turned the epidural down but i was still numb, but i continued to do what i was told and Zion was here after less then 20 mins of pushing. The doctor told me it may take hours of pushing i'm glad it didn't i would have left that bed still pregnant! Toby and my moms faces were filled with tears i just kept saying " IS THAT MY BABY? LIKE REALLY MINE? DO I GET TO KEEP HIM? OMG THATS MY BABY? " lol i was in disbelief i was truly shocked but indeed he was mine toby cut his cord with so much joy and my mom was happier then ever despite the situation. Delievring the placenta hurt  more then actually giving birth. After that i had to get a billion stiches which took 40 mins. I was so happy when i got to hold my child i was mad his father held him first but it was a beautiful moment. Zion Rashid Macaulay was born August 19 2011 at 4:35 pm he was 8lbs 12oz and 20 1/2 inches. After it was all over Zion went off to the nursery while mommy went in to recovery, Toby and his family and our friend went with Zion and my mom went with me. The epidural was fully worn off and i began to feel the pain I was heavily bleeding light headed and woozy they brought me hospital food, ( YUCK ) i hadn't eaten all day i went in to recovery at 6 and left at 8, our family stayed with us for a bit and then they left so i could get some sleep, i was in so much pain and so weak i barely got any sleep.  I didn't see Zion until 12am when it was time to breastfeed he was soooooo beautiful and so perfect i instantly feel in love, that feeling was soo amazing and so indescribable. I knew from this day on the world wouldn't revolve around me anymore, its all about this innocent beautiful baby. He would always come before me and i was absolutely fine with that. August 19 2011 was and forever will be the best day of my life.